I just realized last night that I need to forgive myself.
Yes, I have done some things, felt some emotions, etc, etc, etc on this parenting journey that I am not proud of. However, had they not all happened, I would not have been driven to learn about healing, about letting go of emotions, knowing they aren’t me and moving on as my true self, no longer a prisoner to past patterns, roles and behaviors and thought patterns.
The other day I wrote a post about not letting my thoughts take over. Eventually I’ll learn how to put a link in here to link back to previous posts!! Anyway….! I had these painful memories come up about how I had handled situations in the past with our amazing daughter Zara whom I love infinitely. I was pleased because those memories came up and I wasn’t plagued by the pain and sorrow and all the other emotions that were behind my reactions and decisions back then. However, it hit me last night that the reason why those memories were coming up was because I needed to forgive myself. I needed to acknowledge that they happened, that I did the best I could at the time, that my past had led me to feelings those feelings and that it is amazing that I am here finally, in a beautiful mostly neutral place full of love, for which I will forever be grateful. So, I felt the memories come up again last night and I said, ohhhhhh, that’s why you are here. I realized that I needed to get it out, the depth of my sorrow about how I behaved, the huge apology I had inside for my behavior. I went upstairs, lay in the bed, and I connected with my daughter, how she must have felt at the time, how I felt at the time and I cried. I let the emotions come. I sobbed and cried, I said I was sorry to myself and to Zara and then a few minutes later, I felt like I was done. I may not have gotten to the super core of it but it felt great and then my body started tingling all over, it was healing from the pain I had felt and it was glowing and showing me that it provided me with those memories so I could get them out and make more room for the love that I am now. Amazing, isn’t it? If this was taught in schools, no one would have cancer or depression or any of it, we’d just be in tune with our bodies and our emotions and we would never be shut down.
I love Zara. I love me. I love us all. I forgive me and I will probably have to keep doing this, finding the love for me, as I heal and open, heal and open. And that’s okay with me. I can’t expect anyone to forgive me if I haven’t forgiven myself. In fact, I think that forgiveness just happens, I don’t think it’s something you can ask for, it just has to happen naturally, through healing, through letting go and seeing the situation for what it was, being stuck and learning now that it had to happen that way as we all try to find our true selves.
I’ve thought about apologizing to everyone I’ve ever met lately, for all the times in my earlier life when I pushed them away, judged them or shut them out, all of it. And then I realized that I am me now, and that I am full of love and I think that the best thing I can do is love me and when I am around them or corresponding with them, I will be the love that I am and I will heal anything that happened between us in the past. Plus, I didn’t really do anything wrong, I was just me, bubbly me who was sad inside, and now I’m bubbly me who is feeling the love in her heart and is knowing that the stuff inside isn’t really me and that it doesn’t have power over me anymore.
Tee hee, as an aside, it’s 5:30am and I’m slightly awake while typing this! I was sleeping with Zara last night and then she said, let’s go sleep with Daddy, so all three of us were in the bed and I didn’t have any room and Robbin didn’t have any blankets. Tee hee, I love my life. Hence my deep thoughts early in the morning!
Much love to you all.