I am not my thoughts….how they would have done me in yesterday, but I remembered this truth

You know, thoughts are crazy.  They can take you places, take you to what you believe to be the worst within you, they can show you all the memories, emotions and pain you thought you repressed a long time ago, they can show you your weaknesses and vulnerabilities….if you let them.

I have found so many helpful books, techniques etc for coping with thoughts over the past few years, ways to disassociate myself from them, to recognize that they are not me, to find the present moment instead, and they’ve all been helpful.  I have so much gratitude to Richard Carlson, Don Miguel Ruiz, John Kabat-Zinn, Eckhart Tolle, as well as many others.  If it weren’t for them, I would still think I was miserable and I would still be believing all the thoughts that used to plague me.

Since I’ve started on this healing path, the path to my true self, to living my true life and going beyond all the bullshit that is around us, within us, I have realized that these books, while useful and beautiful, are just tools.  If we can get to the depths of the repressed stuff within us, get it out, then we can find real freedom.  Then we don’t really need to stay in the present moment, or say, okay here are the thoughts, I will just watch them and let them disappear, because when we start welcoming in our true selves, then this just tends to happen naturally.

I read the book, The Journey, by Brandon Bays several months ago, and she developed a process for finding out what we’ve stored in our bodies, getting to the core of it and releasing it.  My heart and soul sang while reading it, they were like, holy shit, get it all out, do you remember this, and this and this, it was almost as if they were willing me, showing me what I had gone through, what I wasn’t allowed to feel, what I had repressed as a result, and they were singing to me, Bradlee, do this, get it out, this isn’t you.

The Journey describes a process you can do yourself with friends to get to the core of what it is you repressed (that is likely causing physical manifestations, I had super digestive troubles and food sensitivities and unexplicable frustration and anger and deep deep abandonment issues).  I was going to do the process with a friend but then found a Journey practitioner (Jean Brazeau, jeanbrazeau@sympatico.ca) on their website and thank goodness I did.  She does Journey work but also does so much more, and she has taught me, shown me how to welcome in the real Bradlee as we’ve worked together to release all the stuff that wasn’t me and each time I’ve gone, I’ve gotten lighter inside and sometimes I can actually feel my body glowing inside, tingling, thanking me for all the work, showing me it’s here to support me, that it is a beautiful tool, not just something that helps me move around and that carries all the pain for me.  Anytime I feel pain now I realize that it’s the next thing that’s coming up for me to see, acknowledge and release.  And I’m learning how to do it on my own now too. Slowly but surely I will start sharing this on the blog!  But I’d like to start with what happened to me yesterday!

So I was with my beautiful family and I kept getting plagued by these awful memories.  One was when our daughter was like 8 months old and she had such a horrible time sleeping, I was exhausted, I was trying to support her, be there for her like I felt I was never supported, and then I was spent.  I was open and vulnerable to what I didn’t believe in.  So I tried it, I let her cry by herself.  I thought I was going to die.  That’s what I was reliving yesterday, even though it was 2 years ago, even though I’ve come so far since then, I’m so much more free, so much more able to live and parent from a place of neutrality instead of “there’s no fucking way I’m going to repeat that for Zara (our daughter).”  And then right after that I remembered one night where I was again so frustrated that she wouldn’t sleep, that I grabbed her hard and swung her and I out of the bed, and my husband came after me and was like, “Bradlee, that was really angry and aggressive, you could have hurt her (she was still young and slightly floppy),” and then I had felt like dying, like I wasn’t worthy, like he hated me and she did too and that I might as well not exist.  All of that came up yesterday and some more too.  There’s no point in mentioning them all. I said, oh ya, here they are, I breathed and I felt the love in my chest, I saw how stuck I had been, how trapped I was back then, I recognized that I did the best I could possibly have done with where I was in my life and I moved on.  Pure and simple.  I didn’t wallow in regret, guilt or self pity, which I would have done less  than a year ago, but slowly I’m letting go of the inner judge, the need to feel guilty like we all have, and the shame and regret.  I’m not having to work at it, it’s just happening slowly as I let more of me in with each time I get out the repressed stuff.

I know this is possible for us all.  I am Bradlee, just me, no one fancy (well, I think we’re all fancy and important, but that we just don’t know it yet!!), and it was my time to see the truth, to welcome myself back in from that dark hole I had to hide myself in all these years.  I pray that we can all do this, that we all find the strength to live our true lives, for ourselves, for our children.  May we all find the freedom to love ourselves and everyone around us.  We are all brothers and sisters and we are all beautiful, we just have to give ourselves permission to see it and know it.

May the words that I share open you up to your magnificence and may I capture my experiences in just the right way (with the least rambling as possible!! tee hee) so that it is simple for me and us all to see that life is so much more than doubts, pessimism, lack of time, cloudy days and “he/she is so much better than me.”

Peace and namaste.

Bradlee

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