Not judging myself

Finally!!!  Today would have been a day where I would have worried, I would have told myself how badly I screwed it up, that I never learn, I should have done this or I should have done that, and I didn’t!!!!  YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am soooo grateful to Jean (the healer/guide our family will forever be grateful to ) for helping me get here, for helping me release the huge inner judge that was inside, to help me to see how harmful judging is, and how it can creep up on you.  Judging creates such a density around us and within us.  We’ve all felt it, we’ve all felt shitty when we’ve unfairly judged someone, when we’ve judged ourselves, in fact, how can you ever “fairly” judge someone or yourself?  You can’t.  It’s just not worth it.  We’re all beings of love, and we’re all going against our true selves, creating walls, creating barriers to our true selves every single time we judge someone/something or ourselves.  Ohhhhh my goodness, I am so relieved to be on this side.  I’m so hoping to stay here and the moment I get stuck in the judging consciousness again, I’m going to take a deep breath and say, no thank you, I want to live as the love I am, no thanks mind, come on up to where you need to be, here with me with the love.

So today, I thought it would be fun to go grocery shopping, buy some popcorn and watch the fun movie we got from the library yesterday.  It was close to lunch time, but we had eaten lots before going, so I thought, okay, let’s have a little bread with cheese and go watch the movie.  Initially we were only going to watch half of it because 80 minutes can be long for an almost 3 year old but it was fun so we just kept watching.  Then she started to cry and I was able to get her to tell me that it was because we were sitting for too long.  I didn’t break down inside and blame myself like I used to!!  Wow!   Then, we got a little fresh air, read a story or two, then we made the lunch maybe I should have made earlier.  Who knows.  So we ate and giggled at the kitchen counter.  Then she learned how to chop vegetables with a sharp knife. She was really doing well then she poked her finger and it bled a bit.  Somehow again I didn’t blame myself but was able to say, that’s part of learning, are you okay?  She was, so we put a bandaid on and kept going.  Then I realized she was getting tired, so we read some stories, and then I saw it was really time to go lie down and have a nap (which she doesn’t have very often anymore).  So part of me was like, oh shit, it’s 2:30pm, we’re going to be up so late, and then I was able to say, ya so, I love her, I love me and this is how it is, how it needs to be.  She was getting upset because she was tired and there was a tiny bit of pee in her underwear so instead of forcing her to take it off, I asked her if she would want to try on my pair of underwear instead.  So now, she’s peacefully napping late in the afternoon wearing my huge underwear and I’ve since woken up after napping with her and I didn’t fall apart.  I didn’t yell, I didn’t judge, I just let it all flow, even though this wasn’t as smooth as days can be.  I was so excited and I felt how huge this was for me, to  let it happen, to feel it happening and to live it from my heart, not holding a gavel over myself, reading to fucking pound it whenever I make a misstep.  But what is a misstep, really?  It’s just learning, figuring out what the situation needs, and adjusting.  Oh my goodness, what a huge difference for me inside.  I am actually starting to let go of right or wrong, good or bad.

Wow.  I will keep healing with Jean, I will keep reading about alternatives ways to view life and I will keep getting to know myself more, my true self, the person who I really am beyond all the thoughts, emotions, feelings, beliefs and fears.  Yay for my true life, let it be as messy as it needs to be, it’s my life and today I am at peace.

Namaste to me. Namaste to you.  And Namaste Jean. You are an angel.


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