Oh my dear precious heart

I asked for words to describe what was going on inside of me this morning and the words below are what came to me.  I recognize that although I often wish I had an instruction manual for what is happening inside of me, that the instructions and guidance is all right there, inside of me, just waiting for me to notice.

Namaste,

Bradlee

 

Oh my dear precious heart

Oh my dear precious heart,

I love you.

Help me put words to these feelings,

these sensations of being dragged down into an abyss of despair.

 

I feel the shell cracking open and it is painful.

I know what is waiting for me underneath and

I am doing the best I can in the meantime to

love the one whose shell is cracking,

whose time is up,

the one who is coming up to be loved

before she dissolves back into infinity

to the heart of the universe,

where she can once again merge with the Totality of the One

who is emerging from underneath the shell.

 

Oh dissolving one, I love you.

I feel you in the tightness of my muscles,

in the pathways of fear that you have weaved

through my lymphatic system,

in the cramping around my heart and the

shifting and rewiring in my brain.

 

I feel like my body and I are getting ready for your Exaltation,

the only thing is I don’t know what to do for you or me in the meantime.

 

The pain is so real and I love you.

The exhaustion is so real and I love you.

The tenderness and weakness that comes in waves

is so real and I love you.

The vulnerability that is pressing to be released is very real

and it is who I truly am, a wide open being with a tender loving heart,

who has no secrets, who is unashamed of her feelings

who is compassionate to herself and others, and

who can be authentic

instead of how she is supposed to be.

 

She is emerging and I feel like I am dying.

Oh precious heart, oh precious one who is dying,

I love you both.

 

Please take charge of my death and emergence dear Lord

and please help it to be gentle and full of opportunities for growth for me.

Please continue to guide me from within and without as I

progress through this experience, all while learning how to take better

care of myself, all of me,

all while having a day job, a wonderful family, and a home.

Show me to bow down so very deeply within me and to have the courage

to love and surrender the one who is dying

so that I may emerge

fully as the grace of God in form.

 

Please help me to allow these changes to take place with as much grace and humility as possible.

Please help me to love the one who is dying,

the one who is hanging on to the need to control, to dominate

and to blame.

 

May this experience teach me to love everything in my experience more deeply than ever

before and may my death and rebirth be a gift to all hearts who have and who will be going

through their own version of this experience.

 

May we all allow the light of our souls to emerge fully.

May we all love and nurture the one

we always thought we were,

the one who is dying,

the one who is reuniting with our

One True and Collective Holy Nature.

Loneliness: a poem and reflection

What is loneliness but a word?  A word we give so much of ourselves to….

What if we are really only lonely for ourselves?

What is important to you?  What makes you feel happy, uncomfortable, angry and sad?

By asking ourselves these questions and any number of deep questions, we get to know ourselves and we stop looking for answers in society, in a role we have or play, in a job, an income, from our conditioning, from others, from our so-called social status or even our Facebook status.

Is it possible to get our own attention?  Is it possible that everything other than our deepest selves are distracting us, almost like a gift, so that we can learn to go to our own “store” within, to explore, look for “deals” and find out our real status?

That is the gift in all of the busyness of our North American society and what it values; the distractions can be so numerous that we can have no choice but to find shelter within, only to discover a whole world of magnificence that has been quietly waiting for us.  It’s called You, it’s called Me, it’s called Us.

If we are with ourselves and we spend time tending the gardens of our own hearts, bodies, minds and spirits then what is loneliness but a word…because ultimately wherever we each go, we are there.  Maybe, individually and collectively, we can learn for each of us to be all we each need…to be enough…to be the answer and companion we have been seeking all along.

May all loneliness be lifted up to Heaven to be healed, resolved and transformed, lovingly and gently, for the well-being of all hearts.

 

Teach Me

I wrote this poem over a year ago now.  It was when I was at the cusp of learning that I wasn’t in charge of my life, that I could turn it over to something different, to God, to the Universe, to the Creator.  I wasn’t sure how to turn my life over, so I wrote this and I liked it.  It helped me to know that I could metaphorically move over, even though I didn’t quite know how, and allow a greater part of me to steer the ship.

Teach Me

Teach me dear Lord how to share my gifts with the world.

Teach me to walk in the light of divinity’s grace so that others walking near me and around me may find the path to the love that they are.

Teach me to spread breadcrumbs and pebbles of light that will shine with your grace so that others may see the shimmer and find it reflecting out of their hearts and their eyes.

Teach me because I don’t know how and I long to share my gifts.

Teach me.

My heart hears your song in the wind.

My hands long to hold the hands of those lost in the darkness;

to whisper to them to follow the path to the light and

to remind them of their own grace,

your grace.

Teach me to love my own heart so that the love overflows and ripples out to all hearts.

Teach me to be kind to myself so that I have more to give others.

Teach me to surrender and bow to the divinity that courses through me.

Teach me to dance in the full spectrum of light that I am.

Teach me to sing to the oceans with my voice and to drum my praise and gratitude.

Teach me to lead when I don’t know the way.

Teach me to relax and have faith in your everlasting presence and love.

Teach me to be a master so that I may dance, sing, love and embrace all that is.

Teach me to become fully integrated, so that I may welcome home all the lost, banished and shamed parts of myself.

Teach me.

May the waters of heaven wash through me and cleanse my body, spirit, mind and soul.

May the waters of heaven wash through the hearts of all.

May we all sing our songs

once again.

Become the Ocean

The two sides of me met today.

 

The part of me that feels connected to the divine has been growing stronger and

she nurtured the one who has been trying to stay afloat in the ocean of human suffering.

 

She whispered to the one who has been struggling to float

And she said,

 

“Become the ocean.

You don’t need to try to float anymore.

You don’t need to fight anymore.

You don’t need to struggle anymore.

Become the ocean.

Merge with the ocean.

Stop fighting and give yourself to the ocean;

for when you are the ocean

you don’t have to do anything;

you just are the ocean

and you can just observe everything that happens in the ocean,

without getting lost in the waves and storms.”

 

“Become the ocean,” she said.

 

I watched the one who struggles

and she stopped flailing around

and she started to relax.

After a few minutes

she wasn’t there any more,

for she had merged with the ocean.

The one who struggles became the one

who observes life and all of its waves,

as opposed to the one who fears the waves and tries

to get away from them.

 

For now I will rest and

be grateful to the wholeness within me

for bringing the one who struggles to the surface,

to become the ocean;

a symbol of the wholeness of the universe,

of the waters of heaven that pour into all hearts,

regardless of when we are ready to become the ocean, the universe,

the purity, the divine.

 

May we all rest easy in knowing that the waters will call for us to join them

when we are ready to stop the fight,

the struggle to stay afloat.

 

Peace be with you and with me, as we allow the shift in our experience

from the floater

to the all:

the ocean.

My thoughts about this poem: This was literally my experience yesterday and it blew me away.  I was dizzy so I lay down and then I started crying and I felt the right side of me awaken and talk to the left side of me, who was drowning.  The words I wrote above were what I heard within me.  I was repeating, “become the ocean,” out loud to myself for a short while too.  I am feeling very blessed to be going through this awakening and it is my wish and intention that by sharing this with you, that you will know that you are not alone, that there are gifts in all of your suffering and that the answers truly do come at the right time. I have wished for my life to be easier many times, but now that I am here, I would not have traded one bit of suffering, because it is exceptionally sweet and beyond description to be learning to pull myself up out of suffering and give myself a hug.  May your inner truth shine so brightly so that it may speak softly to you, just as mine is starting to do more and more.

Dissolving

Introduction

I wrote this poem a few days ago, when I was feeling so much pulling me away from myself and I didn’t know what to do.  I was trying to work at my desk, but it was hard and I felt like I was barely staying above the surface of what I was feeling.  For some reason, I decided to write, and through doing so, a deeper experience of the “pull” came to me and I was freed a few hours later as it sank in.  May these words bring awareness of the pull that is the ego, that is the unconsciousness on the planet, so that you may see how free you already are.  Many blessings to you!

Dissolving

There is a part of me that never needs to be fed by anything
as it is complete, whole and self-nourishing.
However, the part of me that feeds off of drama, junk food,
competition, hate, anger, rage, despair,
overwhelm, panic and sadness
is present.
It is showing me it is present.
It is wanting me to feed it
endlessly
ceaselessly and
without any regard to conscious action.

I see you.
I feel you.
I know your hunger.
I cannot feed you in the way that you want, crave or need.
I am waking up and you are hungry.
I know you will never be satisfied, that you will always crave, reach, pull, grab and hang on.
I don’t know what to do for you, except to be your witness,
the witness to what drives humanity to be inhuman,
the witness to the cause of the suffering of all beings,
the cause of the competition, greed and destruction
that is now ready to be revealed;
ready to be loved
nurtured
witnessed and
dissolved
through compassion, separation and merging with the wholeness within.

May your dissolving be gentle, peaceful and loving.
May I have the courage to be your witness
no matter how fiercely you crave, hunger or hold on.
I love you and I am here,
separating from you
witnessing you
loving you as your journey comes to this point of completion.
Thank you.

May all beings be blessed with the courage
clarity and awareness to separate from the hunger
and merge with the one who never hungers.
May the homecoming of the one who hungers be glorious.

 

The beginning of living free from co-dependency

Co-dependent living is the main way I have lived.  What it means is that I have mostly lived based on other people’s experiences of life.  More specifically, if someone I was with was mad, it was hard for me not to be mad.  If someone was feeling dismal about the state of affairs in their life, it was hard for me not to join them.

I remember one instance more than 10 years ago when our group at work moved offices and one of my colleagues was very grumpy and frustrated about all the things that went wrong.  I hadn’t set out to be grumpy, but I remember somehow watching myself grow grumpier and grumpier and there was this awareness in me that was watching me do that, but I didn’t feel like I could choose my own experience.  In a way, I was co-dependent; I was unable to determine and decide how I wanted to approach the situation, I was caught in her reaction, literally feeling choice-less.

It wasn’t until early last week that I started seeing how I could make a choice about how I experienced each situation, instead of only relying on others to show me how I should respond/react/handle a specific circumstance.  Last week, I was with my daughter and I realised that I was getting panicky and overwhelmed and that was my default way of handling the situation.  From within, I somehow stopped, breathed and decided that I could have my own experience of the situation and that the feelings of overwhelm and panic were trying to guide me, to show me that I was outside of my own experience.  They were like signposts.  None of it had anything to do with my daughter, she was acting perfectly fine, but my response showed me that I was outside of myself and that I could come back to me and make my own choices about how to handle the situation.  It was really like an aha moment, where I could see the reality of what was going on and literally take a step back and reclaim my life from my default way of experiencing it.

Through that small realisation and change in relating to the world, things now seem easier.  I somehow found it easier to talk about my opinions and feelings, without being scared, most likely because my well-being was tied up in how others were going to react to a situation any longer.  It was like I gave myself some space and permission to be more me; to know that it was safe to be me and that I didn’t have to gauge my well-being based on how others are experiencing life all around me, but solely based on how well I could stay with myself and inside of my own experience, instead of abandoning myself for the sake of how other people were reacting.

It is funny, because I feel like life has given me a myriad of unique experiences in the past two weeks, almost as a way to nudge me back to myself, so that I could find the peace that could come from having my own experience of life.  Yesterday and today, I literally felt myself going into someone else’s experience (and because I am quite sensitive to energy and feelings, I also felt them coming into me), and I was able to make the decision to come back to me, and make a choice about what was best for me in my experience.  It was so effortless and instinctive!  I really am grateful for life for guiding me here and to all the beautiful people who are playing various roles in my life, helping me to turn around, breathe and to choose me. Through choosing me, I am learning to deeply love myself, so that more of me can emerge and shine through, which is such a gift that I can then share with others in return.

May we all be blessed with the clarity to choose love for ourselves!  May we all be blessed with the courage to have our own experiences and to love ourselves when that isn’t possible.

What if our pain is golden?

What if your pain is calling out to you?

What if your pain is you, trying to get your own attention?

What if your pain represents all parts of you that were deemed unacceptable, unworthy, or wrong?

What if your pain is really just you, trying to come home to you?

 

May we all open our hearts wide to our pain,

to the lost, banished and shamed parts of ourselves,

to the aspects of self who are so desperate to come home that they hurt and we hurt.

 

May we all open our eyes and senses to what our bodies are telling us

To their messages hidden within the pain,

So that we may feel the longing to come home to our own selves

The longing to stop seeking outside for a resolution

But to turn around and find it within ourselves.

 

Like riddles and puzzles our pain calls to us,

It gives us clues to solve the simple mysteries

Of coming home to ourselves and uniting

Within ourselves.

 

May we all be blessed with the courage to say,

Pain I love you,

I welcome you,

I honour your mysteries

And I ask you to share with me

So that I may love you as me

And welcome you home into my heart.

 

As we take these bold steps toward loving everything that

Happens in our experience, may all hearts be touched by our

Courage,

Our bravery

And our deep desire to be in harmony within ourselves and

With life, no matter what circumstances occur.

 

May we rise up as the divine beings we truly are

And embrace our pain as the secret messenger of our

Innocence, purity, power and everlasting love.

 

– Written in honour of Matt Kahn’s pure teachings of love