I have missed writing for this blog! I started working full time nearly a year ago (after nearly 5 years off after our daughter was born) and I haven’t been spending much time writing! To be honest, I was spending a lot of time adjusting to the way things were at work, to overcoming a lot of the fears that I felt about going back to work and about working. It’s been quite a journey and ultimately one that has led to much personal growth and a deeper coming out of the real me.
Last week while at work, I just wasn’t feeling great. My energy was lower and I just didn’t feel the same. I spent some time in the bath last Thursday night and I asked myself what was really going on and what I could do to feel good at work. I cried for a few minutes and then I just relaxed and got a really simple and easy answer, “just be yourself!” It felt so right immediately and so perfect! I started seeing pictures of myself at work acting more like me, giving myself permission to be me and to share the love that I have discovered inside with others while at work. I received some really awesome inner guidance! I was so inspired for the next day!
The inspiration lasted but the heavy feeling took back over and by Saturday I was feeling low and dense again…I remembered some tricks that I have been learning from the coach our family sees and I tried them out on Sunday and I recovered very nicely. I prepared for the work week and wasn’t quite aware that I was relying on the tricks to “get me through,” instead of the “just be yourself” guidance I had received. I was also creating a bit of self-doubt about whether I could really keep my energy up during the week. It was the following events that really helped me to see that I had created a little prison for myself…
I looked out the window this afternoon and I saw some seagulls who were flying in a way that didn’t seem right. They looked like they were going to crash into each other. I normally watch them fly in awe, whereas this seemed chaotic and unbalanced…I wished them well and kept working. When I left work today, I saw some more seagulls flying over the work property that were flying in the same chaotic way; some of them looked like they weren’t sure if they wanted to fly or land, some of them nearly crashed and one looked like he had forgotten how to fly. I figured it was significant that I was seeing that and I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it.
I walked home and was 6 minutes into the walk when I noticed that the same seagulls were flying with me on my walk home. It was then that I realized that they had a message for me and I asked to fully receive their message. I watched them for a minute and then it came to me…I was viewing myself as broken, as not quite capable of “keeping up” at work while the energies were more intense/low, and they were showing me what I was putting out to the world. I sat outside our house and saw the seagulls continue to fly by our house so I connected to my heart and cleared out the feelings from the day and then I started to not see them any more. I gave myself permission to use the tools because I needed them but not to rely on them or to consider myself as less capable because I was using them. I “took the tools off” metaphorically and then I opened my eyes and saw the last seagull fly away and then they were gone. They had felt the shift in how I was viewing myself and their parting was the confirmation of that. I was very grateful to the seagulls, as they have guided, comforted and inspired me in countless ways since I learned that animals are messengers. I am grateful that I am open to receiving their messages and to learning from their freedom and grace. I am grateful that I could see that the fear/brokenness that was self-imposed and that I could choose freedom!! I am grateful to everyone who brings me messages in unexpected ways and who shares with me so I may learn and grow along with them.
The other morning on the walk to work, I realized that it really helps me when I look up when I walk. It helps me get out of the thoughts I’m stuck in, and helps me see the bigger perspective within and around me. I remembered that this morning and the walk turned into a very profound experience! I wrote some words that came to me while I was walking and finished it at my desk:)
When I am stuck in the mind while I am walking to work, I look up.
When I look up, the world shows me how much bigger I am than thoughts.
When I look up, the thoughts diminish, and the true beauty and power of the Earth astounds me, stops the thoughts in their tracks, and I breathe.
When I look up, the trees and their tops guide me and lead me with their strength, stability, silence and stillness.
When I look up, I remember who I really am.
When I look up, there is movement in the clouds and light pouring down, and I remember that I am more than I ever could understand or know.
When I look up, I remember that the Earth is my Mother, the Sun is my Father, the Wind is my Brother, and the Water is my Sister.
When I look up, I remember that no matter how disconnected people are from the truth of their being, the planet remembers, and she remembers for us and does what she can to remind us with her beauty, grace and resilience, in the way that children do. I am reminded that no matter how much we seek to destroy ourselves, others and our planet, Mother Earth is with us, leading the way, showing us the truth, that we and she are indestructible, that on the inside, we are glowing with light, love and power, just as she is in her core, and that we can learn to tap into our core, our light too.
When I feel myself slipping, I look up, breathe and remember and am grateful for our planet and the beautiful way she reminds me so gently, so peacefully, so gracefully, that I am majestic, just as she is.
I feel like I have been given a second chance at life, like I’ve been reborn. It’s like I’ve taken off the glasses that I used to wear, which filtered everything I saw through the eyes of a victim, sadness, grief and loneliness. It’s like living on a new planet and I sometimes find myself reeling from it, sometimes smelling flowers and really noticing how beautiful they are, dancing in the kitchen or sharing time with people whom I used to hide many aspects of myself from and now laughing and loving together. Sometimes I wonder if someone is going to come and tell me that I have to put those old metaphorical glasses back on because this can’t be possible or true. I know that it’s not possible for me to put those old glasses on because no part of me wants to, I am really enjoying getting to know who I really am and getting to experience my life, instead of just waiting for it to happen or just watching it go by.
I’ve been working with an amazing coach/guide in Ottawa (Jean Brazeau), who has been helping me get to the deepest darkest parts inside where I’ve hidden all that hate, sadness, despair, rage and sorrow, and clearing it out to make more room for my true self. I’m learning that this is the journey my soul chose before I even came to Earth, that I chose all of these circumstances to help me experience life and to help me experience the truth of who I am (kind of like The Little Soul and The Sun, a children’s story by Neale Donald Walsch). I had one session where I went back to talk with my soul before it even came into my body, and my soul was excited and jumping up and down. When I asked my soul what my life purpose was, it told me it was to be the joy, pure and simple. So now, I’m on this new path and am starting to see that the more I let go instead of hold on, the more joy I feel and the lighter I feel! I do feel like jumping up and down sometimes with the releases and the new, lighter feelings inside, and sometimes I come home from a session with my arms in the air, chanting and jumping and exclaiming with joy and it’s a wonderful turnaround for me.
It’s been an awesome trip, especially as I learn the old patterns of judging others, protecting myself, forcing my way through life, hiding from myself, hating myself, and feeling so lost and wanting to know the way out but feeling stuck and trapped. It’s been exceptionally liberating to see these patterns and ways of relating to others and to be taking more and more steps to be free of it and to choose a new way of relating to the world and to myself.
I am starting to:
- engage with people from my heart, instead of from hiding and fear
- trust that I am loved and that I am love
- know that I am the Creator of my experiences and that there is much support available to me (to all of us)
- see that other people can serve as a mirror for me
- realize that the beauty of life is right there inside of me and that I can connect to myself and feel that joy and bliss that exists within me and to shine and love myself and others
- free myself from that victim role and walk on this new unknown path and know and trust that this is the path that I was always trying to find and it was right here within me, gently calling to me (and now loudly calling to me!!)
- finally forgive myself for “all the things I did wrong”, the people whom I’ve hurt (consciously and unconsciously), and for not, not, not, not….etc.
- forgive myself and step forward, to learn and try again, to know that I have the choice, I can wallow or learn and try again.
- choose being free instead of hiding
- choose love not fear.
Thank you to everyone who has been with me on this journey. Thank you for showing me the way to myself, thank you for highlighting that which I did not see or want to see within me, thank you for helping me shatter the old limiting beliefs I carried inside of me, thank you for helping me to see me as I really am and for helping me take off the glasses. Thank you for your love and support.
Last week, I noticed that my breasts were swollen, painful and lumpy. It was quite unusual for them to be like that, so I paid attention. I did my best to relax and breathe deeply and send my inner attention (consciousness/awareness) to release any blockages within them. It worked temporarily, but there they were, in that unusual state, sore and uncomfortable.
A few days later, I realized that my breasts were mourning. My breasts, and likely the breasts of many women in the world, were mourning what is happening to other breasts in the world. I am not familiar with breast cancer statistics, yet I do know that many women are faced with challenging decisions about their breasts and cancer. I feel like my breasts are tuned in to the fear that is around the planet at this time as more women are determining whether they have the breast cancer gene, especially as more information is widely available about it and more people (including Angelina Jolie) are sharing their stories of choosing to have mastectomies to eliminate any possibility of cancer. I feel like my breasts were uniting with women everywhere, tuning in to women, letting women know that we are all together, that we can unite instead of fight, that our breasts are a part of our bodies, a representation of what makes us female in these bodies and that it is like a mourning to have to remove them because of cancer. We all feel that sadness together.
I feel like our breasts, as women everywhere, are trying to tell us something with the high incidence of breast cancer. Are there parts of our female nature that we are having to deny? Are there parts of our female nature that have been lost? What are the reasons, beyond medical ones, that men and women are having to remove parts of their bodies that identify their bodies as male or female?
As time goes on, I trust that these answers will come forward, as we open to new possibilities for our health, for our bodies, for our breasts and for our well being. I trust that women will start to understand just how united we are and that the answers are likely within us, waiting to be revealed. The book Biology of Belief by Dr. Bruce Lipton is a beautiful place to start to understand a whole other side of genetics, called epigenetics, which discusses the factors within us, including the environment within our bodies and what creates the environment, that determine if a gene will be expressed (whether the code in the gene will be utilized by the body).
For now, my love is with the women of the world who are facing very challenging circumstances and who may feel choiceless about their health. May women unite in love and in power and may we soon learn a deeper truth of what is really going on with our breasts.
The other day I looked out the window and I saw a group of birds all flying together. They were graceful, they were beautiful and they were free! They were silent, they weren’t bumping into each other and they flew together seemingly without any effort. I remember reading quite a few years ago that scientists have been trying to understand how fish swim in schools and how there are swarms of insects that swirl and dance together. They were hoping to learn about how they do that so that humans could benefit. I remember thinking that it would be cool to understand that.
As I looked out of my window the other day, I finally understood it. I understood how they fly together, how they swim together, and how they dance and move together with grace and ease without talking. I am sure there are others who already have this figured out, but it was an exciting moment for me! What I realized and deeply understood is that we are all the same, we are all one, we are all consciousness (awareness), even rocks, trees, insects, birds, reptiles and other mammals. We are all the same. I’ve read it before from Eckhart Tolle in the Power of Now and from his Weekly Present Moment Reminders, such as this one:
“When you are present you can sense the spirit, the one consciousness in every creature and love it as yourself.”
The healer/teacher that I see regularly has also been teaching me that we are all particles of consciousness and that our particles dance all around us and through and with other people, because we truly are one. It seemed absurd at first, but as I continue to grow and my level of consciousness increases, more and more about consciousness and spirituality makes sense, and I’m sure I will continue to understand it at an even deeper level. I was provided with a few opportunities lately to understand how consciousness works, which is what lead me to finally get it when I saw the birds flying.
Here are some examples:
- I was in the shower and I suddenly thought, “Oh, I never did order that Arbonne product from my friend Dionne, maybe I should do that. Hmm, maybe I should host an Arbonne party, ya, maybe I’ll contact her.” The next day, I get a call from Dionne asking me if I could host an Arbonne party.
- I was also in the shower and I thought to myself, “Hmmm, maybe I should buy some Fly Like A Butterfly books from Shakta (who is the founder of Radiant Child Yoga, where I did the first part of my training). Hmm, I wonder if that would be worth it for me?” And then I left it at that. A day later, I got an email from Radiant Child Yoga and they were offering wholesale discounts on their yoga materials to support yoga teachers.
- I was walking in the woods with my daughter on a chilly day in February. At one point along our walk, I got apprehensive and I had this huge feeling that we should turn around. I stopped, asked my daughter if she needed to go home and she didn’t, so I breathed a bit, looked around and felt like I wanted to continue walking. I kept feeling like my husband’s grandmother was worried about us. I finally decided to go back since we were close to the end of the nature trail and I told my daughter that I was feeling like grandma was worrying about us, and I think I broke energy with grandma. I can’t quite remember the details. We got back to grandma’s house and I asked my husband if grandma had been worried and he said that they were chatting about how they had seen coyotes in the woods a few days earlier and our grandparents were very worried about us being out. I didn’t even have to be in the house or close by to feel those fears instantly!
These recent experiences combined to help me to see just how linked we are as people, just as the birds and fish are! It gave me hope that humanity will eventually learn to use that connectedness so that we can dance together like the birds in the sky, instead of grinding up against each other spreading fear and negativity.
My husband Robbin and I were having a chat yesterday about our dreams from the night before:
- My dream: Robbin and I were together and he was crying, telling me how much he has missed me
- Robbin’s dream: The three of us were together as a family and I was trailing behind, not really participating because I was tired and I was ready to go.
We just casually shared about the dreams, then I went into the bathroom to put something away or to finish cleaning it and I yelled over to the kitchen, “you know Robbin, I’ve always been tired, my whole life!! I’ve always been tired!!”
Our dreams were showing us what we were leaving behind. I have had a huge two weeks in terms of self awareness and growth. I have finally come to see how tired I have been and how fearful I have been of being tired and how that cycle of tired and fear has been controlling me for as long as I can remember. I think the cycle all revolved around keeping me small and safe, because for so long as a child, I didn’t feel like the world was a safe place and I believed that I was really alone.
With the guidance of the coach that our family sees, I have been able to see these cycles of protection, control, fear and fatigue and they’ve come to a place where they were so obvious that I couldn’t deny them any longer. There they were:
- I was planning my life around being tired
- I was always in fear of being tired and getting sick or overwhelmed
- I was always scared of not being safe enough, being too vulnerable and small
- I was controlling the environment around me (including my family and friends) to make sure that I could stay safe and keep our four year old daughter safe.
I’d rather be honest with myself and really look at what has been going on so that I can be free of it. I don’t want to live a limited life anymore, nor do I want to limit my husband and daughter any longer. I’m really done with that, it’s been so sad, so scary, so limiting and so resentment causing. I’ve been resenting people around me who are more free and more open to new opportunities, when I’ve always felt trapped in a little box with super thick walls that I created with the illusion of protecting me and keeping me safe.
All of this has come into my awareness in the past few weeks because in my last healing session, I had a memory come up for me about playing hide and seek when I was a kid. It was a blessing really, because Zara had been playing hide and seek with her friends and I felt really nervous but didn’t really understand it until the memory presented at my session the next day.
In the memory, I was trapped in a big linen chest, and I remember feeling so scared, so trapped, so helpless, and I felt really alone. It was a fantastic memory to get to, because it was keeping me so small, it kept me looking through the eyes of that young girl who was scared and terrified. I was finally able to see how I had such trouble letting my daughter play alone with other kids, that I needed her to be within eye sight so I could make sure she was safe.
It was also somewhat devastating to realize the truth of what I was doing. I thought I was being a “good parent” by watching her. In my experience though, being a parent and parenting cannot be defined, it’s really about responding to each situation from the heart and getting to the core of any issues and removing those limiting blocks/memories/emotions so you and your child(ren) can be free.
Thanks to those realization and the growing awareness of what I was doing and why, I have come so far in the past week!
- I gave Zara some space to play with her friends and she was so comfortable, happy and free! I even heard her say, “Please stop doing that to me, I don’t like it,” or something along those lines! I checked in with her once and twice and she was totally fine and was having a blast! Imagine that!!
- I planned an activity/outing for each day of the week, and felt fine! I was tired occasionally, but I was able to see that I was still safe, that I was never alone! I was able to use the many tools I have learned to renew my energy and to reconnect to myself to feel good, instead of being locked in being tired and scared.
As a result of all of this, I feel like there is more of me here this week, more of me here to share in the joys of life, more of me to share with myself, my husband, my daughter and my friends. I am giving myself permission to live my life!!
I continue to marvel at how limited I was and how much more free I get with each time that I look within with Jean’s help (the healer/coach/guide our family sees)! It seems to me that giving myself the go-ahead to have a blast and be free and know that I am always safe is what I came to this planet to play with and explore. I’m so happy to have such beautiful people around me to share myself with and to share in the joys of life. May the walls keep crumbling and may my bright shiny soul fly as I continue to see just how big and strong my wings really are. I think they may even have bright sparkly feathers:)